Vaginismus Treatment without a partner

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  • #8633

    caitlinp
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    I’m looking into getting treatment with Dr. Pacik in the near future. I’m 22 and haven’t had a partner for about 2 years, partially due to the onset of my vaginismus about 4 years ago. I’ve been sexual with other people since then, but I always end it before intercourse is attempted due to my discomfort and embarrassment.

    I’m wondering if I could hear from other women that went through the procedure without a partner and what their experience was like. I’m also curious how you ladies went about practicing intercourse afterwards without a partner. I know that I have people that I could have intercourse with, but I’m also nervous about attempting it with someone that is unaware of what I’ve just gone through.

    Any insight into this would be much appreciated.

    Thanks,
    Caitlin

    #10260
    mm
    Heather34
    Moderator

    Hi Caitlin. Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. A lot has been discussed about married couples overcoming vaginismus and the joy that comes from such. I think another excellent topic is the joy that comes from overcoming vaginismus as a single woman as well. So many single women avoid dating and entering into new relationships because of vaginismus. One of Dr. Pacik’s treated patients has written:

    “I am afraid to date new people because I don’t want to drop this bomb on them … I think my sexual problems will definitely hold me back from meeting someone new … The idea of having someone reject me because of this disorder is heartbreaking and I will not allow myself to be put through that pain again.”

    On Day 2 of my procedure, I remember Dr. Pacik and Ellen talking to our group and they talked about the joy that their patients experience post-procedure after being cured from vaginismus. For example, they noted that for their single patients, they could date freely and start relationships without the burden of vaginismus (i.e. having to worry about telling their partner about it, how it would affect their relationship, etc.).

    For the treated patients reading this who are single, what were your experiences with the procedure and afterwards?

    Also, Dr. Pacik has written on the importance of dilating – Continued Dilator Therapy is Key for the Single Vaginismus Patient:

    #10270

    rbtoronto
    Participant

    Hey Caitlinp,

    I’m not too active on the forum, but I saw your post and wanted to respond. I’ve only written one other time on the forum (pre-surgery) and believe it or not, I had the same exact questions as you. I, also am(was) single prior to my procedure and worried about the same things you do… in essence, I wondered about the following:
    – would I be okay to go to the surgery alone without a partner, when it sounded like all the other patients were bringing their husbands or boyfriends
    – after the surgery would I have the opportunity to “practice” and progress from dilation to intercourse considering I had no “long term partner” currently in my life
    – since I am not in a long term relationship, would I be okay not to tell any potential partner about my “condition”

    I had my surgery in early July 2012. My cousin attended with me… and after surpassing the initial nerves, I felt comfortable and great in NH during and after the procedure. Getting used to the dilation process was interesting… and stressful in the beginning, but I was determined to make progress and follow through on Dr.P’s program. I was dating someone casually before going NH and chose not to burden him or us with talk of vaginismus… prior to my trip, I was very “loose” and escaped any opportunity to get extremely physical with him. Prior to going to NH, I was also unable to insert a q-tip in, and had what Dr.P prescribed as stage 4 vaginismus, that I believe was/is largely due to abuse when I was younger and my own anxiety… all of which resulted in never having been able to achieve penetration.

    Upon returning from surgery, I was determined and continued with the program. I got purple in, pink and got blue in only a few times with lots of difficulty. My muscles were extremely tight and Dr. P mentioned that it would take me a while to stretch them out with dilation. A little less than a month after surgery, I had the opportunity to spend some time with the guy I was seeing and although I was nervous (about vaginismus, not about him) I pretended that “it’d had been a while” and I wanted to take it slow. He totally understood and we were able to achieve penetration on our “first” physical night, with little pain, lots of excitement and a lot of fun! Since then, it’s been getting better as I’ve learned to understand what I like, feel less nerves and become a bit more open with myself… he still has no idea about my struggles with vaginismus, and every now and then comments on how much better it is “now that we know each other”. I sometimes dilate a bit before I see him, but sometimes I don’t if I don’t have much time. He likes it because it feels “tighter” and I am able to now enjoy the experience either way…

    While in NH I had the opportunity to see two great husbands with the patients that were sharing my room… they were concerned for their wives and doing everything to help them. I have also heard of wonderful partners that have gone through a lot to support their wives and girlfriends through the struggle – I think that is amazing! In some ways, I think it’s really very difficult for single women to enter into that surrounding without the same support… after all, all women are there because they want to be loved (pun intended 🙂 and when you don’t have that directly by your side, it’s hard not to feel self concious.. jealous… or even stressed. Regardless though, on the flip side, I think that in some regard, there’s an advantage to being single – you don’t have to tell any new prospects in your life about your struggles with vaginismus (if you don’t want too) and there is a bit less pressure to perform. You move at your own pace and do what’s right for you… and in some ways, that’s very freeing and liberating.

    Hope this answers your questions and concerns about being single and going through pre and post surgery. All the best to you (and all the other single ladies out there). I definitely feel for you… and understand what you are going through. Be positive, dilate and be strong (-:

    #11014

    Lou84
    Participant

    Hi Caitlin,

    First of all, I want to say you are in great hands! Dr Pacik and his team are incredibly compassionate and knowledgeable – they have changed my life.

    I’m single and was at the time of having my procedure in September last year. The opportunity for intercourse hasn’t arisen yet, and I’m still nervous at the prospect, because the last time for me was with my long-term boyfriend at the time (before I started having difficulties with Vaginismus). So I completely relate to your concerns about the first time.

    But once you have the procedure and are able to dilate, I’m sure you will feel a lot less nervous about it. Before I had it done I couldn’t even allow myself to think about dating again, let alone sex. Now that I dilate every day, with ease, I feel like intercourse will just be a natural progression when the time comes. I think I’ll take a similar approach the previous post and say “it’s been a while”…this will both gauge his patience and let him know you need to take it slow. If he’s not willing to do that it’s better to find out early, before sharing something so personal and misunderstood.

    I also just want to reinforce the importance of dilating – make time to fit it in, especially when you’re single. It keeps progress going (and anxiety at bay).

    All the best for your procedure, it’ll be smooth sailing! 🙂

    #11043

    caitlinp
    Participant

    Update! I had my procedure on Feb 5th, dilating is going super well and I’m excited about the future!

    #11047

    HS
    Participant

    Huge congrats Caitlinp! you actually were doing so so great!

    Sumaia is passing her greetings to you, she really wishes you all the best.. we enjoyed your company!

    #11060
    mm
    Heather34
    Moderator

    Caitlin, you wrote “I had my procedure on Feb. 5th, dilating is going super well and I’m excited about the future.”

    Huge Congrats to you and this is so, so wonderful to read! Keep up the great work and I can’t wait to read more of your posts.

    #11078

    Nakitalab
    Participant

    So happy for you, Caitlinp! Looking forward to hearing about your progress. :0)

    #12272
    mm
    Heather34
    Moderator

    Quote from rbtoronto “I think that in some regard, there’s an advantage to being single – you don’t have to tell any new prospects in your life about your struggles with vaginismus (if you don’t want too) and there is a bit less pressure to perform. You move at your own pace and do what’s right for you… and in some ways, that’s very freeing and liberating.”

    I think this is so true rbtoronto.

    #12273
    mm
    Heather34
    Moderator

    This is an excellent thread to revisit. To any recently treated patients who are single, what advice do you have for future single patients who are considering this treatment? Any advice that you can give would be very, very helpful.

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