VAGINISM AND MASTURBATION
December 26, 2017 at 7:09 pm #22289
I have just subscribed to this forum, as I think I need some advice.
I have struggled with vaginism because of an abuse (I was fingered when I was 8) until I was 23, when I had my first (painful) sexual intercourse. Since then the situation improved, now I am 27 and I can have sex with my boyfriend (even get fingered!) without any discomfort. This is also to say: never lose hope, if I could do it, you also can!
Now, my issue: even though I seem to have successfully overcome vaginism, I still find it uncomfortable to masturbate. All I can do is touch my clit, but as soon as I reach the labia, my arousal drops and I begin to feel anxious. I have to say that I can insert my whole finger inside my vagina now, but I don’t feel any pleasure. Since the trauma that caused my vaginism was a fingering, I don’t think it is so hard to understand why.
I think that giving oneself pleasure is important to get to know oneself, as well as improve one’s relationship.
Does anybody have an experience similar to mine and could help me understand what is wrong and how to fix it?
Thanks in advance and know that with patience and hard work, no matter how impossible it seems, you will also be able to ovecome vaginismus!December 29, 2017 at 2:09 pm #22292
Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSWModerator
Thanks for joining the forum.
Congrats on all of your tremendous work on vaginismus! You are totally correct that it is incredibly important to be able to get to know yourself sexually. Many women with or without vaginismus concentrate on sex with a partner, and while that is important, it is very important to feel comfortable in your own body and have the power to pleasure yourself.
If often takes time to figure out what feels good, and what does not. I think you may want to spend some more time on your clitoris as that is how most women have orgasms. Also take your time..there is no rush. Make sure you are in a place where you feel safe, and have time time to explore. I also recommend the book “Becoming Orgasmic. A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women.” It is about so much more than orgasms! It really encourages women to explore their bodies and their own sexuality!
NicoleDecember 31, 2017 at 3:16 pm #22297
Hi ZwarteKat! Glad to have you here on the forums.
My vaginismus wasn’t related to a history of abuse like yours, but I can say that I identify with the problem you’re describing. I have always been pretty uncomfortable with fingering, even after I went through the botox treatment and was able to be penetrated by dilators and penises. I used to clench up especially badly when a partner would try to finger me and I think my association between anxiety and fingers was build more strongly than my anxiety around penises.
I have gotten less anxious about fingering and my current partner is able to do it to me now, but it took time. A few things helped, including doing other activities I was comfortable with first to get me initially aroused and going extra slowly so I could give feedback if anything got too uncomfortable or I got too anxious. I also wasn’t able to finger myself until my partner was able to because I had so much psychological baggage around doing it, so maybe your partner could help you get more comfortable if that is less stressful for you. Generally though, I would say that working up to it gradually is the best way to go.
I also want to second something Nicole said, which is that if fingering is just something that you’re not into, you shouldn’t feel pressured to do it, especially when masturbating! Some things just aren’t as enjoyable to some women as others, even those who have never had vaginismus, and for most women the clitoris is the reason they’re going to have an orgasm. You might be feeling pressure to get comfortable with fingering because you want to put your issues with sex behind you, but this kind of thing takes time and it doesn’t all happen at once.
Finally, I want to recommend a great website, , which is an exhaustive and incredibly well-made series of lessons and learnings on female pleasure that can show you a ton of new ways to masturbate, many of which don’t involve penetration. It’s the most info I’ve ever found about the female orgasm, and the video format helps me understand exactly what’s being described.
You should be really proud of your progress with vaginismus so far and everything you’ve overcome! You’re doing a great job!January 4, 2018 at 12:14 pm #22310
You’ve made it soooo far, so congratulations!
Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone at all and I’ve had similar issues… I agree that this is something that comes with time, practice, and figuring out what feels good to you.
I think I may get the book Nicole suggested – “Becoming Orgasmic. A Sexual and Personal Growth Program for Women” or look into omgyes.com because there’s always more that can be learned and practiced 🙂
Best wishes and congratulations again!
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