Relationship ending due to vaginismus

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  • #22804

    lam1234
    Participant

    Hello, my 3 year relationship just ended and one of the main contributing factors was vaginismus. He reported feeling less connected to me as sex was difficult. It’s frustrating because sometimes I did manage to have sex and that made me feel like maybe it wasn’t as much of an issue. But I think I was just in denial and didn’t want to admit that it was a problem. I finally read a book on vaginismus about a week before the relationship ended and that really motivated me to get it sorted, but by then it was too late. I just feel so guilty about not having been able to satisfy him during the relationship and not having tried to overcome it until it was too late, and I’m also quite embarrassed that it was an issue.
    I was therefore just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience? If so how have you come to terms with the guilt/embarrassment?

    Thanks for reading

    #22806
    recessivegenequeen
    recessivegenequeen
    Participant

    Hi Iam1234, I want to say that your post IMMEDIATELY resonated with me – I have felt this so many times! I had guilt for the longest time over all the relationships where I had the perception that I wasn’t able to show my affection for and attraction to my partners that took a long time to subside. I completely get where you’re coming from.

    The main thing that helped was once I was finally able to accept that my vaginismus wasn’t my fault. It was something I spent so much time ashamed of, but throughout the process of going through treatment, I realized that I didn’t choose to have this problem. Even though it made me feel like a failure as a woman sometimes, it wasn’t something I could have overcome if I’d just had more willpower. I needed the help of specialists (and eventually, botox) and all the ineffectual trying in the world wasn’t going to get me anywhere.

    I’m glad you are motivated to seek treatment now, and even though you and your partner are broken up, I strongly suggest that you chase that impulse. There was a moment at which I was finally ready to seek treatment for my vaginismus, and while part of me wishes I had done it sooner, I also know I COULDN’T have done it sooner because it was something I had to prepare for in my own time. Even if you don’t have a partner you’re trying to have sex with now, the confidence it gives you to not have something like vaginismus hanging over you is worth more than anything else you’ll gain in the process.

    Also, it might sound a bit cliché, but it also told me A LOT about some of my partners based on how they responded to the complications vaginismus presented. Some guys bailed on me as soon as they realized I could’t have sex with them, and I’m relieved I didn’t waste more time or emotional energy on people who were so unwilling to deal with any inconvenience. I had other partners who responded in a variety of complex ways but showed me daring amounts of support and love. I’m sure you had a great partner who cared about you, but sometimes the way someone treats the things you feel ashamed about in yourself can tell you a lot about who that person is and the amount of complexity they can handle in life. Best of luck to you and I hope you do seek treatment – guilt isn’t something you should have to live with!

    #22810

    lam1234
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your reply, I really appreciate you taking the time the tell me your experience. It is definitely reassuring to know that I am not the only one to experience this and hearing someone else’s point of view. Hope all goes well for you!

    #22817
    mm
    mazemelissa
    Moderator

    You are so not alone. Your story is one I hear over and over again. What’s most important is that you are ready now to work on the issue, so that next relationship, you are prepared and vaginismus won’t be in the way.

    Working through vaginismus without a partner can be a positive experience for some women, as they don’t feel the pressure to have intercourse. Work through your dilators, and I recommend also purchasing a dildo or vibrator that looks like a penis, so you can practice with that as well when you finish with the largest dilator.

    And we are also here! The Botox procedure is not reserved for women with partners.

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