I just want to be normal
March 2, 2018 at 9:40 am #22557
My name is Randi. I’m happy to have found this and I’m hoping to get some help. I will have been married for five years this coming May with still no sex life. I have the most patient and loving husband, but I am frustrated I can’t show that to him through sex. We have what I consider “trying”, but to him it feels like nothing. I can’t imagine inserting something into my vagina. The thought of it just makes me cringe. I can’t get myself to try my fingers, tampons, and most importantly, my husband. It’s getting to the point where we are giving up and it breaks my heart. Most nights I go to sleep in tears because I just don’t want to be like this anymore. I hate myself for it and I want to change, I just don’t know where to begin. Please help!March 2, 2018 at 12:04 pm #22558
Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSWModerator
Thanks for joining the forum. Please know that you are not the only one with this issue, we have treated thousands of women. I am sure you have read many of the inspiring success stories on this website. Many women find that they really need help from someone other than their partner, as the whole process is so emotionally loaded. I am not sure where you are located, but we treat people in the NYC area, and are happy to speak with you about our services. I also think looking for someone who specializes in pelvic floor pain could be very helpful. Also it sounds like it would be helpful for you to speak with someone about all of your frustration and “going to sleep in tears.” While talk therapy is not going to stop the pain, and fear of putting something in your vagina, therapy could be very helpful for dealing with the emotions you are dealing with. Glad you made this first step!March 6, 2018 at 9:07 am #22569
Thank you. I’m located in Western PA so I’m not very close. I have started some online therapy and it’s been going good. I just need to take action for the physical aspect of it and I’m at a loss of what to do.March 13, 2018 at 9:50 pm #22594
Hi Randi20 – I’m so sorry to hear about the issues you’ve had with sex in your marriage. As someone who lived with vaginismus for many years, your story sounds extremely familiar. It’s great that you are in therapy now because dealing with vaginismus is, as Nicole noted, an extremely emotional experience and often challenging to do when you have a partner with feelings as well.
From your description of your situation it sounds like you haven’t tried using dilators before, so that might be a good first step for you to discover whether you are able to insert anything at all. My strong personal recommendation, though, would be to call the Maze Clinic in NYC like Nicole suggested, at least just to have a conversation. My situation was extremely similar to yours – I had never been able to insert anything at all, and the idea of it gave me horrible anxiety. I tried dilating initially but the psychological/emotional issues I had built up around sex made the issue too severe for that, so I ended up getting the botox procedure through Maze and it completely changed my life. I was able to dilate to stretch my muscles, and then to have sex, and now my sex life is indistinguishable from someone who’s never had issues with sex. None of that would have been possible without Maze.
I know it seems far away, but if you do decide to go the botox route, the clinic is only a few hours’ drive from western Pennsylvania, and you would only have to go for a couple of days to do the procedure and the followup appointment. I’m happy to answer any questions you have about it, and I think it’s extremely effective for people who have severe vaginismus. You don’t have to live like this forever, and there are a lot of people out there willing to help you whenever you need it!March 18, 2018 at 10:05 pm #22619
Hello. This is very foreign to me…and and very scary. Just joining this forum. It’s feeling like a weight lifting off my shoulders being able to open up to a group of people that don’t just say “try red wine”, “just try to relax”, “you’re overthinking it”, or my favourite, “You’ve always been a late bloomer, you’re probably just not ready for sex”. I luckily live very close to a vaginismus therapy centre in NY and my gynaecologist has referred me to them even after I found/researched the centre myself. I’m just afraid to go. I’m afraid of what the process holds. I’m afraid of the pain. I’ve never used a tampon, only pads. I’ve never successful had a finger enter, even my own. Anytime I have tried myself, it feels like I’m hitting a wall. I know..I know. Typical to say with vaginismus, but that’s one of the descriptions that led me to believe I have it, when I read forums. And when I told my gynaecologist, she automatically knew from my other descriptions, it was vaginismus. I had suspected I have vaginismus for a little over a year now. I had once described it to a friend who’s becoming a physician’s assistant and she had said she just learned about it in school and believes its vaginismus. I had brushed it off in my denial that anything was wrong with me. After trying over and over again with my significant other for more than six months, I started researching it and uncovered websites and forums of women with the condition. I started crying out of sadness, helplessness, yet happiness, because I found it. I found what has been wrong this whole time. Although he is so kind, caring, patient, and extremely supportive, I can’t help but have it bring my self esteem down. And it hurts when my family members tell me it’s something I shouldn’t stress about too much. It just makes me feel all the more alone.March 19, 2018 at 2:44 pm #22625
Nicole Tammelleo, MA, LCSWModerator
Hello Sofia 101,
Welcome to the forum. I am so happy to hear that the forum has provided you with some comfort and a sense of not feeling so alone. I know you are afraid to seek treatment, and it an be a challenging process. This is something you have lived with for a long time, but I am also glad you have found a place to go. I am sure some of the forum posts will be helpful to you during your journey to end vaginismus. Best of luck!March 23, 2018 at 8:04 am #22664
Hi Sofia – the moment you speak about of crying both in grief and happiness was so familiar to me. I remember having such a crying session when I learned about what vaginismus was, both out of sadness for what I had been going through and relief that it had a name and, thus, a way forward. It’s great too that you have a supportive partner who is helping you to understand what’s happening with you. A good partner can make the treatment process so much less lonely.
It’s fantastic that you live close to a vaginismus clinic in NY! I had my own botox treatment for vaginismus at the Maze Clinic’s White Plains office. If you are considering the botox treatment, I cannot recommend it highly enough – it completely changed my life. One thing I will say as well is that I understand your desire to avoid further pain – but one thing about the botox treatment was that it was basically the end of the pain for me. To be clear, there was a LOT of discomfort. Dilating was exhausting and the muscle stretching wasn’t pleasant, but it was all way more endurable than the pain of vaginismus, plus I knew these sensations meant it was working. And now I’m free of pain and discomfort completely. I don’t know what you are considering about your treatment options, but I hope you will not let the fear of pain dissuade you – treating your vaginismus is the thing that finally ENDS that pain.
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