Boyfriend at the end of his rope!
May 9, 2017 at 9:53 am #20917
I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years, the last couple of months we started trying to have sex, as you’d expect, so started our journey on Vaginismus Ave.
I have tried all I can, but I am dealing with a partner who has severe avoidance tendencies and the only time we make a little progress is only when I get angry and then she feels guilty and we try to have sex.
Her fingers go in, mine too (but only two). I bought her a small vibrator, it goes in too and also tampons.
But how does one deal with a partner with severe avoidance tendencies? I mean its hard enough not having sex, all I want to do is help her through this process but its hard helping someone who is too scared to help themselves.
We always start with her finger, vibrator then my fingers, but every time it is time for my penis, her legs clamp shut and I cannot thrust forward; her legs block me.
Honestly, I am seriously considering just getting a prostitute once a month till this whole thing blows over. I feel like its going to take FOREVER! But I do not want a prostitute, I want her and only her :(! How can you want someone so bad but not be able to have them :(?
I wake up sad and depressed. I used to be such a happy guy; now I feel like this has taken everything from me. I don’t know who I am anymore. And even after giving all that I can, at the end of the day “it is required of me as the partner” to be supportive, patient and all that other crap! At the end of the day, Im also affected and….
I just dont know where to go anymore….May 11, 2017 at 9:30 am #20924
i had this long standing vaginismus for 10 years of my life..
(thankful to Dr Pacik , Heather and other moderators on this forum who guided me to understand my condition, although i never met them)
Everything was same as you have described with your partner. i went to all doctors , hypnotherapists etc with no solutions.i also had botox procedure for this condition in 3 episodes.(but one episode is enough if one is dilating daily)
in 2015 ,with hymen incision , was not guided at all for the dilation programme.
in 2016 ,when i had some knowledge of this procedure but left dilation after few days , (lost motivation)
and in 2017 , when i learnt from past mistakes/experiences and immediate after botox procedure i never left dilation for a single day , the result of this daily dilation was that i was able to dilate upto number 6 dilator , very large glass dilator designed by Dr . Pacik, this dilator was really less painful then other dilators and gave me much confidence to have sex with my partner as he was around dilator number 5.(so was successful finally)
what i want to say is VAGINISMUS IN CURABLE if you will support her ….
get this botox procedure done , she should not leave dilation for a single day for couple of weeks.
keeps dilator in and out most of the time , i used to take this glass dilator out only when i wanted to go toilet or bath etc or few hours break in a day then used to put it back…
the idea behind it
1) physically vagina was stretched 2) mentally i gained much confidence.
i can understand your pain but more i can understand the pain and constant suffering of your partner , trust me she needs your help!!
i had a very loving but angry partner too, who decided to leave me on several occasions for sex but then his love and emotions for me did not let him do that , i had this botox procedure done in London, and learnt that dilatation daily is the key unless vagina is stretched enough to put one size larger than partner and you will see that within few weeks , she will be able to have sex with you after this procedure if she dilates daily.
your relationship will be more stronger when you will be understanding her mental and physical pain , forgive her and give her a new chance as she is your soul mate.May 11, 2017 at 1:22 pm #20930
Rachel Hercman, LCSWModerator
So sorry to hear about what’s going on! Perhaps it would be helpful for you and your girlfriend to work with a therapist who can support you through this and help you guys be able to stay connected and positive through this. You don’t need to go at it alone.May 12, 2017 at 9:08 am #20937
This is such a tough situation for you, and I wholeheartedly understand how you feel. I guess I’d like to know – since now you both understand her condition as vaginismus, which is great – is she taking *any* steps to make progress? You said she has severe avoidance tendencies and seems too scared to help herself, so I’m wondering if that means that she is avoiding anything that may help her make progress in her journey on, as you put it, “Vaginismus Ave.”
It seems like you are being encouraging and supportive, which is very important, and I hope you can continue to be supportive, loving, and patient. It is also important for your girlfriend, if she does want to overcome vaginismus and eventually be able to have comfortable sex, to take steps to do so. I would avoid ultimatums (e.g., “if you don’t try to get help I’m going to a prostitute”), but tell her that you think it is important and fair for her to take some action (even if small steps at first) to overcome vaginismus and her fear of penetration that comes with it. This could be in the form of: buying a dilator set, making an appointment with a vaginismus clinic or specialist like Congtythamtu, or even starting out by looking through this forum to read all of the success stories to give her the confidence that she WILL be able to overcome this. Vaginismus can be a lonely and shameful thing until you realize there are many others going through the same thing, and even more who have overcome it.
There is a lot of good news in your post – she is able to wear tampons, insert small vibrators, etc.. It seems like her muscles are okay with that, it is just trying to insert a penis that’s the problem. It’s understandable – that’s a big jump in size! Her muscles aren’t yet used to something that size inside, mixed with her fear – her muscles and legs will clamp up. Just like I, after never picking up free weights in my life, probably can’t pick up 50- or 60-lb weights 🙂 (I know that’s pretty sad)
Twinkle mentioned the Botox procedure, which I agree would probably do the trick. I think initially though, you should encourage her to buy dilators. Has she seen this forum? Many people who can’t get a tampon in (me) were able to overcome vaginismus with the use of dilators (I went to Congtythamtu because I couldn’t do dilators on my own at first). I think the use of dilators to get her muscles used to the feeling of something larger inside her could be incredibly beneficial.
Her having vaginismus is *not* a bad thing (at first I thought it meant something was super wrong with me and I wasn’t ever going to be normal)! Vaginismus is completely treatable!
Using dilators, whether by herself, with your help, or if she is able to go to Congtythamtu or a similar clinic, could ‘stretch’ her muscles to get them used to larger and larger dilators which could then help lessen her fear of sexual experiences with your penis.
I hope this makes sense – definitely let me know if you have any questions or concerns 🙂 good luck and we are all here for you and your girlfriend.
I would also feel guilty not mentioning: there is the possibility that her extreme avoidance is coming from something deeper, like a traumatic experience. Even if not, I would be sensitive to that if I were you 🙂May 21, 2017 at 11:56 am #20972
Hi Bragibbs! A lot of good advice has been given here so far but I also want to reinforce that there are a lot of positives here. Your girlfriend is able to use tampons and insert fingers – that’s way more than a lot of us with vaginismus start with! That could mean that a lot of your girlfriend’s issues are more psychological than physical. If you haven’t yet, you might want to find a therapist like Rachel suggested so that you can help your girlfriend to figure out where her anxieties lie. Dilators could be a great way of treating your situation once your girlfriend gains confidence and clarity in her feelings, but I did the botox treatment and that worked wonders for my own mental blocks about my vagina, so that’s an option too.
I know how hard it is to be patient with something like this, but if it’s a challenge you can solve together as a couple, it will make your relationship even stronger. You are already handling a lot, but just know that vaginismus is COMPLETELY treatable. Don’t give up hope!December 6, 2017 at 8:44 pm #22219
Hi Bragibbs. I’m so sorry for what you guys are experiencing with vaginismus. I had vaginismus and overcame after having the Botox treatment program. I found this the best treatment for me and was able to insert the dilators in for the first time post-procedure without the resistance/burning pain / blocked feeling and later my husband. I had my procedure up in NH with Dr. Pacik. He has retired but trained the Congtythamtu group in NY and they do the Botox treatment program for vaginismus as well. Also, very importantly we found, Dr. Pacik and now Congtythamtu treat the physical but also the emotional parts of vaginismus. They help to make the difficult conversations easier and talked about. I would be happy to email back and forth with your girlfriend and support her in this way as someone who has had vaginismus and gone through it. This, too, may help get things moving.
I also wanted to share a story with you from a man who’s wife overcame with the Botox treatment program. He writes: “[M]y wife suffered from vaginismus. We met in college, dated for four years, and then were married for twelve years while we battled with vaginismus. While we “had fun”, we were never able to have intercourse and it placed an incredible strain on our marriage. My wife was tearing apart on the inside, it was tough for me too. My wife was not even able to insert a tampon! We attempted physical therapy, and sat through sessions with psychologists. Nothing worked. We lost hope. It almost ended our marriage too. Then we met Dr. Pacik. He changed our lives forever… I struggled for a way to bring it up to my wife, but it found the courage and did. She went to the website and we were shipped a book … Which we each read cover to cover the day we received it. From both of our perspectives, it was our life to a T. We decided to attempt the Botox procedure. We traveled to NH … Nervous, but excited. Hopeful. My wife was put under and I watched the procedure. Dr. Pacik was able to show me, medically, that vaginismus isn’t a mental condition, but a physical one. She woke up with the largest dilator inside of her. She was tired … But changed. We both teared up … She was instantly empowered. Frankly, it was awesome to see her finally feel like she had control of her body. From that day, my wife practiced dilating every day. Approximately two months later, we had successful penetration. Over the past two years, we’ve made up for lost time. It feels so wonderful to connect with my wife emotionally, physically, and mentally. Oh, and we now have a wonderful six month old son!…”
Sending you both my support.January 5, 2018 at 12:35 pm #22323
Happy 2018! I noticed you recently responded encouragingly to some other posts on this sub-forum 🙂
Just wanted to say I hope things are getting better/looking up with your situation!
All the best.
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