Be a man
May 3, 2014 at 12:31 am #9173
This is kelseroo’s husband. I am using her account to post to the forum. I have been thinking about it for weeks and decided that now is a good time to post something.
First, can I just say, that I am amazingly proud of my bride for all the resilience and commitment she has shown during this whole process. Many tears have been shed over this ordeal and still my wife has kept her composure, her optimism and her strong will to get cured of vaginismus. From a man/husband’s viewpoint, I see things much differently than I did before we were married. Having been married previously, I know what a somewhat healthy sexual relationship consisted of, and yet, I was missing something that this situation has taught me. That love and sex are not mutually exclusive. Sex is a byproduct of love, not the other way around. I have learned that a little self control and patience is good for men. It deepens our character. I mean, of course I want to make love with my bride, but that is not the reason I married her. I married her because she is my best friend and I want to be with her for my entire life. If there are husbands out there reading this, please remember your wedding vows; please remember why you love the woman you are with. If it is simply because of sexual pleasure, you are lacking true depth of character and have not yet learned the definition of true love or of manhood. A man is a protector, provider, giver and confidant first. And yet, as much as I consider myself to be all those things, I can still say with absolute certainty that if I were to put myself in my bride’s shoes, I would probably not do as well with the emotional toll, the self-doubt, the stigma, and the work that vaginismus entails. I would fail, and I have a feeling most men would.
I also learned something from Doctor Pacik. During the second day’s therapy session (after the Botox procedure), I asked what, as husbands, we should do if we sense that our women are slacking off on the dilation program or the daily log, or anything that the program involved. He said, “My ladies are determined. They don’t need a policeman.” I will never forget those words. It meant that I didn’t have to worry about my kelseroo failing. It bolstered my faith that she wanted to cure vaginismus even more than I did. I was actually ashamed to have thought that I needed to be a drill sargeant in case she wasn’t doing what she should have. I have been put in my place. My bride has not missed a day of dilating. She is working extremely hard to beat this and I see hope shining in her eyes again. As a one-track minded man, I think about the day when we can have sex all the time. Experience has taught me that this will not go away anytime soon. I bet men in their ’80s think about getting it on almost as much as younger men. My point in this post is really this: my lady is determined. She is winning this fight and I could not be more proud and humbled to have her as my life partner. Husbands, what your wife needs now is your unconditional support and love. Not criticism, not whining about ‘when am I gonna get laid’, not policing. Don’t sabotage yourself by doing that. Be a man and do what we were made to do: make women feel happy, secure, and cherished. The rest (yes, the sex) will come in time.May 3, 2014 at 6:42 am #12777
Wow greatly said!!!!! I she’d some happy tears. Maybe I can get my husband to post at some point too! We are all doing this together!May 4, 2014 at 4:26 pm #12780
This is a very powerful statement that will be of great benefit to many of the husbands and partners. Thank you for posting your thoughts!May 6, 2014 at 4:39 pm #12794
I love this post. 🙂 What a sweet hubby you are, Kelseroo is blessed to have such a supportive, loving man in her life! 🙂 And I love Dr. Pacik’s statement “My ladies are determined. They don’t need a policeman.” – that is great, and so true!!June 2, 2014 at 10:13 am #12894
Such a story encourages and motivates me to take the first step towards ending my vaginismus but even as i do am so scared of getting into a new relationship because am not guraanteed the man will understand and be supportive.November 14, 2016 at 10:26 pm #19978
this is really nice postNovember 17, 2016 at 7:42 pm #20062
nice and powerfull postDecember 15, 2016 at 6:37 pm #20302
Rachel Hercman, LCSWModerator
Just read this post…wow, how beautiful. Thank you for giving a voice to the partner of someone with vaginismus.May 7, 2017 at 2:50 pm #20906
This is such a moving story! And I think this husband figured it out early (with some help from Dr. Pacik) – women who have had vaginismus their whole sexual lives have plenty of motivation to conquer it, so they don’t need a drill sergeant. They just need someone by their side for when the work gets tough and they need a boost of esteem!
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