12 years. Help.

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    I’m 34 and from the UK. My wife and I have been together 12 years. And we’ve never had sex.

    No one knows. Everyone assumes we’re in a happy loving relationship, normal relationship. And it’s drives me mad in silent. I’m desperate to be happy.

    Lately I’ve been feeling genuine resentment towards my wife. Like she’s preventing us from having intimacy and a sex life because she’s afraid , amd.always has been afraid to try and fix the issue.

    Any sexual activity is initiated by me. I could count the times she has initiated it on one hand, in 12 years. It makes me feel unwanted, and like I’m only here because no one else would put up with this for so long.

    I’ve got the needs of every red blooded male, and those are physical and emotional. The sexual frustration is unbearable at times – I think about f0cking other women all the time – and the lack of intimacy is what I really want but feel we’ve never had. Our marriage and life just doesn’t feel complete. It feels like we’re friends who get eachother off from time to time. Not a married couple. She has zero interest in sex. I recently stopped initiating to see how long it would take her and it was 3 months before I broke.

    We have a son who is 3 and used syringes to self administer insemination but now I just feel like we’re together for him.

    I suffered from deep deep depression and have left her on one occasion where we were apart for 6 months and I returned through guilt and afyer talking about it her interest in sexual activity had increased, but once I was back that soon died off. Then 2 years ago I cheated (kissed someone, not slept with) and my feelings came up again about not feeling wanted… She showed some interest to get me back, and that then went away too. I honestly feel though that this condition could be a riot cause of my depression and feelings of low self esteem.

    This all sounds very selfish I know.

    I know that there is a history of abuse that caused her vaginismus. I’ve tried to talk to her but get nowhere. But what bothers me is that she won’t seek help and is completely ignorant of the impact this has on me and I feel like of she really loved me she’d want to do it for me and us.

    I don’t want to cheat. I know it would destroy her. But I want to be in a relationship or marriage that meets all of my needs and not have to comprimise on something so important to me and I’m beginning to wonder if even if we can fix the vaginismus would we ever have the connection I crave.

    That all just sort of came out on to a page and may read as very badly ordered and a bit all over the place. I’ve never shared this with anyone. In fact this is as more detail than I’ve even discussed it in with my wife as I don’t want to push her. We’ve never even touched on how it effects me.


    Mw84UK – I’m sorry to hear about all you’ve been feeling. I understand how immensely frustrating this must have been for you all these years and I’m sorry you’ve felt so neglected in your marriage.

    The first thing you need to do is tell your wife what you’re feeling. I know you want to protect her and that after years of silence it’s probably scary to open up, but nothing will change if you keep your frustration and sorrow to yourself. Ultimately, you need to know what your options are, and this is the only way to find out what you can expect going forward.

    If you tell her how dire your marriage has become and she IS receptive to seeking help for her problem, then you can work with her to find treatment. You can buy dilators, find treatment in the form of physical therapy (or something like the the botox treatment that the Congtythamtu clinic does), and ultimately focus your attention on supporting your wife as she goes on this journey toward creating intimacy with you.

    If you’re honest about your feelings and she still refuses to do anything to improve the situation, you have some choices to make. You can choose to make do with the sex life you have or to find a compromise in the form of building a relationship around non-penetrative acts. You can choose to open your marriage (with your wife’s agreement) and have your sexual needs met in other ways. You can choose to resign yourself to a sexless marriage if you feel the relationship has more value to you than the sex you’d be missing. You can choose to leave the relationship and find something more fulfilling if you think there’s no chance of happiness for yourself in your current marriage.

    There are many more choices, other options, but ultimately it’s important that you understand that you are in charge of your own happiness. You only get one life, and you get to decide how it’s lived. But the first step you can take is to figure out what you want and be honest about it so you know where to go from there.

    I hope it helps, and best of luck to you in a difficult situation. We’re here for you.



    I really appreciate the honesty and depth of your post – it’s very powerful. You’ve gone through sooo much with your wife, and there are so many on this forum (including me) that can relate to you and your situation. So much mental strength is required for the men, and it can definitely cause doubts, self esteem issues, resentment, pain — all that bad stuff and more.

    I hope you know that it is important and VERY REASONABLE for your wife, (if she does want to overcome vaginismus and eventually be able to have sex), to take steps to do so! Vaginismus is sooooooo treatable, but it won’t go away on its own. It is important and fair for her to take some action (even if small steps at first) to overcome vaginismus. This could be in the form of: buying a dilator set, making an appointment with a therapist/psychiatrist/psychologist (the effects from her abuse should be resolved), making an appointment with a doctor/women’s health clinic or specialist (Google some around your area), or even starting out by looking through this forum to read all of the success stories to give her the confidence that she *WILL* be able to overcome this. There are also countless forums and resources for survivors of abuse. Vaginismus can be a lonely and shameful thing until you realize there are many others going through the same thing, and SO MANY who have overcome it. The same thing could be said for survivors of abuse.

    You seem very supportive & can continue to remind her that her vaginismus is *not* a horrible, untreatable thing (at first I thought it meant something was super wrong with me and I wasn’t ever going to be normal) – vaginismus is completely treatable! Many people who couldn’t even get a tampon in (me) were able to overcome vaginismus with the use of dilators with the help of a specialist (Congtythamtu Women’s Health for me).

    I know the psychological portion of her issue also needs to be resolved, and for that — just being there for her is one of the best things you can do. It can be so, so, so insanely difficult for a survivor to reach out for help/disclose their abuse, no matter how much time has passed. Here’s a link that may help you support her (even if her abuse was not sexual):

    Good luck in talking with her about all this — maybe sending a link to some great success stories could help (http://congtythamtu.info/forums/topic/reflections-in-the-new-year/)?

    Keep us updated and feel free to reach out with anything you need at all!

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