Fantasies… Fantasies… Fantasies…

When I fantasize about something, does that mean that I really want that thing to happen? (I get asked this all the time!) NO. No. And no.

All it means is that you like to fantasize about that activity/act/event.

Now, very commonly women get upset about their fantasies because they think that they are not PC. “Oh my g-d, I fantasized about being overcome by a stranger in the woods.” Or “What is wrong with me, I fantasized about trading sex for getting off a parking ticket from a cop.” The whole point is that women should never worry about fantasies because the whole fun of fantasies is that they are merely that, fantasies. It does not mean you want the scenario to happen in real life. It just means there is some element of that fantasy that appeals to you. For example, it is very common for women to have “overpowerment” fantasies, when in real life if they were raped or taken without their consent they would be devastated. However, it is such a common fantasy because it allows a woman to feel as though she is giving up total control and she can then completely submit to the pleasure that sex affords without the concern, guilt or second guessing she might have in real life. The reality, of course, is that when you’re fantasizing, (even when you’re fantasizing about losing control) you have absolute control over your fantasy. Everyone is acting out exactly what you want, when you want it and how you want it. You and only you get to decide when and how that fantasy is going to end.

And women should learn never to edit their fantasies. So what if there is a monkey in your fantasy? Two women? 62 people watching you? Whips and chains? It doesn’t mean that you are a lesbian, an exhibitionist, into BDSM or any particular activity. It just means that thinking about those things turn you on.

If you want to do a bit more soul searching, you can think about what appeals to you in the fantasy… it is the absolute power? Is it feeling beautiful? Is it a sense of equality? Is it the the romance? Then you can see if those are things you might be able to incorporate into your real life sex.

The most important thing is for women to learn to enjoy their fantasies, not to feel guilty about them and learn to revel in them. Fantasies are so important that many women have an “orgasm fantasy,” some scene that is so erotic to them they use it during stimulation in order to have an orgasm.